"But you know....it's all good!!"

TWO BRASILLIAN BBQs IN ONE DAY?!?!?!?

I asked Brittany yesterday if she had any regrets. We both concluded that sand dune surfing and repeated exposures to SP should have been in order. But our experiences are our experiences and will be with us forever no matter how different they are from one anothers. I was feeling kind very low key this last weekend. My two favorite people from my lab, met up with me at the Blackswan Friday night...nothing too crazy happened. Especially when you compare it to the other nights where I started off at Blackswan.

But Saturday was amazing. Probably the best Saturday I've spent here in Floripa. Brittany went to lunch with her mentor and I went to a Brasillian BBQ at UFSC with everyone who participated in the Winter Pharmacology coarse. They were from all over Brasil. Later Cris told me that they've only known each other for a week, but they acted as though they've known each other for ever. Ernie says that that is the Brasillian way :) And its true. I never saw any of that tension between people like you do with people in the states...I met a couple of really cool people there right at the end...Murielle and some other guy, can't remember his name but he's one of Betty's students...damn...I just need more time here. I wish I had the opportunity to stay 2 years. So Cris and I hadn't really ever had a whole lot of time to just hang out and shoot the shit but I just knew from the day we met that she and I would click. Going to the gym and riding to lab with her in the wee hours of the morning was our bonding time. I have to just go ahead and say that I love drunk Cris. I love that I spent my last day in Floripa, did I mention it was absolutely BEAUTIFUL outside :D, with her and Ernie. It was good to see her so relaxed. Then we went to Padua and Jania where crippled Rimenez and his wife were awaiting us with more BBQ!!! God, I ate so much food. I've been eating so much food, but that's the culture here and that was how everyone got to be so close.

Remember when I mentioned that I had bought 3 bikinis, haha, and we all agreed that I was a little ridiculus??? Don't think I said but I got them because Cris and her dad had designed them and got them made before he passed away, and yesterday she well at least now you have something special that will always remind you of me....which was my thinking exactly. And so that brings me to the part where I had to say goodbye to her. She gave me the biggest hug and took me by the shoulders and was like, "YOU, email me, and talk to me on skype", and just told me that she enjoyed the time that we got to have together. I started crying after I told her to not forget about me, because I would never forget about her...cause lets be honest, thats the worst that could happen to me...at least in my mind...

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,

but people will never forget how you made them feel."

- Maya Angelou

I felt kind of stupid, well not stupid, but I was just like "REALLY?!??!" Now, that I think about it, I felt bad for Brittany cause she had to see me do all that, haha. We walked into the pousada together, and I was just like "Fuck...this sucks", as I wiped the tears away. I hate crying.

Best advice come from Ernie. "You know the hardest part is making new friends and you've done that. You have connections and friends in Brasil now so your trip has been successful. I know you are sad, but you know...it's all good."

*****AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! RIO DE JANEIRO HERE I COME!!!!!!!!*****

The Process of Re-Americanization

I'm sad to say that within the last couple of weeks, I had to consciously decide to give up the portuguese. Although, I talked to my new roomie, Ana, last night and she would say a couple of thing to me in Portuguese (I told you she was Brasillian, right?) and its funny how it doesn't sound SOOOO foreign to me like before. That just goes to show that you really need to be exposed and exposed and over exposed to a new language, begin to understand it and pronounce words before you can truly be on your way to becoming fluent. Trying to cram all that into two months is ineffective and just incredibly frustrating. I think I gave up because I got into the well, I'm leaving to go back to America soon...I would say that was the first step in my re-americanization process. Maybe if EVERYONE refused to speak English with me, it would be another story. It's really funny when the people in lab or random English speaking people that I run into ask..."So, hows the Portuguese" (this is another one of the questions that EVERYBODY HAS to ask)...I just laugh...really...really...really...hard. Like today, I got on the UFSC-TITRI bus on the way to school to meet up with Cris for lunch, and there were a total of 4 people on the bus, including myself NOT including the driver and his wingman, and tell me why I decided to not have my ipod in so that I could listen to the portuguese chitter chatter (idk, I'm weird, I can't always justify why I do the things I do, I just do them) but all the chitter chatter was in ENGLISH!!! Haha, I was kind of annoyed and turned off...they just sounded so sterotypically "American"...I was giving them dirty looks in my head, even though I appreciated being able to eaves drop into someones, ANYONES convo.

I just got back from lunch with my BFF here Cris. I think this is a GREAT way to end my days at the UFSC lab. They've all planned to come out to the BlackSwan as a sort of a "going away" party :) which makes me happy. They are a great group of people. So smart and very hard working. I truely admire all of them.

I definately plan on coming back. Especially in the summer. Especially with Ana. I told her last night. Plus, in the summer I'm going to make Ernie and Cris show me how to surf. So, this is over, but it's not at the same time.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty chill for me. With the exception of getting a tattoo. Thought I'd just throw that in there. I did it. It did not, and I repeat DID NOT in any WAY SHAPE OR FORM feel any kind of good. At all. There were a select few people that I told first. Each and everyone responded like so..."Are you going to tell your dad?"...."Did you tell your parents?"...."You can't tell your dad, you know that right?"..."Your parents will die"....

I love how everybody knows that my parents can't know, haha...I told Brittany that I will tell them when I'm out of medical or dental school and possibly married and where they are dependant of me financially...yeah, thats when I'll tell them. So I got some time. I'm not even going to worry about it. We have that typical parents-child relationship. I think its good. Maybe becuase they are older compared to other peoples' parents at my age. I go to them for everything, thats for sure, and always include them in my life plans and ideas that I have for myself.Just to backtrack a bit...the day before yesterday, getting off the bus from UFSC...I decided once again to randomly do a little shopping for my people back at home. So I'm in a shop and I here my name being called out in the background!! It was Alessio. Long-story short, (FYI he's the Italian, remember? Dom would kill me, but whatever) he made me homemade pizza!!! Do you see where my enthusiasm is coming from?!?!? An italian...making homemade pizza?!?!? I dont' know how to explain why watching him make pizza was so "cool" to me. hahaha, ok, yeah, maybe I've totally lost it. Anyway, it was soooooooooo soooooooo soooooooooooooooooooo good. Everytime I decide to do something out of the typical daliy routine, something fun happens :) I like it!!! Tudo bem (plus a thumbs up sign)!!!! So I ended up getting a TON of awesome Italian rap songs, my favorite being Vaffanculo Scemo by Fabri Fibra. AWESOME!!!!! oh Tutti Matti is great too. I felt so dumb trying to communicate with Alessio. He speaks 3 languages...fluently...I was getting so confused, because I've been adjusting to listening to try and understand portuguese, which has been easy to do becuase thats what they speak here, but Alessios native languages are French and Italian (the part of Italy where he lives in right on the French-Italy border so they speak French there as well)...so when he's mumbling or rambling...its in Italian, which sounds very similar to Portuguese...at one point I had to ask him...I was like...when you're just talkin' shit or whatever, are you speaking Italian...he was like...uh....yeah...hahaha. Then I was being nosey looking through his computer, and everythings in Italian!!!! One freakin' language at a time PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! We had 3 different translator-dictionaries out, too, haha...I love it!!!

Just when I think that I will NEVER EVER be able to find a brasillian bikini that I love and looks great on...I've currently obtained 3 sets :)

Good times, good times.

I hate "countdowns"

I do. I don't know why people keep insisting on doing them. If someones getting married, they count down. If someones graduating, they count down. If someones about to do ANYTHING, they countdown. Perhaps to make the event more dramatic...idk, maybe I'm bitter because I'm constantly being reminded of my time left in Brasil. Which I'd rather just try and make the most and enjoy the rest of it, instead of thinking ahead to the future.

I mean I don't really care THAT much...do what you gotta do, ya know...whatever floats your boat...that just doesn't particularly float MY boat.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I should probably start and think about gifts for people. I would just keep getting that overwhelmed feeling that would make me really indecisive to the point where I would just forget about the whole thing. My conflicts stems from, thinking about being fair, thinking about price and how I spent HALF OF MY MONEY THE FIRST WEEK I WAS HERE...trying to think too much about the individual person (which is a good thing, no doubt, but I have 17 people on my list of things to get stuff for :/ )...but then today, my last weekend in Floripa, all those doubts and hesitations went flying out the window :) Which is good, cause now I can just get the stuff and move on with my life. I'm done thinking about money and how I should be conservative with it. My justification is that I don't spend money like this in the states...see, it's a good thing that I'm usually really busy to the point of where I don't have time to spend money, hahaha...Like I had to ask my parentals for more money :/ which is lame I know, like I should have been MORE THAN ABLE TO set a budget and stick to it to have plenty of extra money...I begged my dad to set a budget for me but he was just like, "just control it and don't splurge...watch your daily spending"...my response..."no shit I should just 'control' it, but I'm telling you that this is most definately not my strong point...YOU OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW THIS"...I didn't say that to my dad verbatim obviously...I was just like "ooooookkkkkkkkaaaay", haha...and rightly fully so.

reminders of things to blog about...
"So how's the portuguese"
Brasil album
presentation
last weekend (LECO mania)-first thing EVERYONE said when I told them lol.
Homemade Italian pizza :)
Centro
Bikini from Cris
2nd to last day in lab (group pic and how Cris called me out)
Dr. Fitz

Still need to shop for...
shirts
bracelets
shorts (Barra da Lagoa)
feather and stud earrings (open market)
A couple more pairs of Havaianas
shotglasses
more coffee
guava paste
something for my mom to put in the house
coffee mug for dad

All in all...I'm doing ok...lots of stuff going on at home that are great :)
Feels great to have been gone for so long and knowing that there are a bunch of people awaiting my return...don't think it wouldve been quite the same if this weren't the case!!!!!
I glad to say that I'm 100% over any issue I had at home before I left. Brasil was EXACTLY what I needed in my life at this particular time. I was kind of "stuck in a rut" before I left, living mondanely in the daily activities of life. Not thinking about much else other than what was immediately before me. That goes for people and things. I always say that "hindsight is a very important perspective" as it molds you into who you are to become...its so true...I think I was so depressed that first week of being here because I knew that everything that I was holding on to in the states, aka bad relationships, uncertain relationships, pressure to the best at school, etc etc, would have to be let go completely. It's funny how actually dealing and facing your personal issues are somewhat easier to just leave unexamined. God, I'm making myself sound like a mental nutcase...call me what you will. So, I feel like I can come back and kind of "start over" I love this new, fresh perspective I have on life, think it will hold up for a while...life is good.

Well Brasil, after taking all of my money and taking advantage of me, I guess it's time we part ways

I think I'm ready to go back home, but then I feel like I'm not ready. It's been a complete emotional rollercoaster, not just because of the whole living in Brasil and not America thing but because the change of pace in mylifestyle here made it to where I was thinking alot. about EVERYTHING. Usually at home, I must admit, I try to keep that to a minimum. I was reading up on some Freud and he says these are classic signs of some types of defense mechanisms via denial. I'll admit, I was in denial there for a minute. A hot minute. I can feel myself getting back into that mode again. It's definately to ensure survival, that or its something I have to do in order to keep going to eventually get what I want. I would bomb out if I didn't.

So a couple of things (aka "issues" or "situations" as I like to call them) came up all of a sudden yesterday. So of coarse, I had to have a convo with my numero uno lover. It's great to have someone who thinks like you there to call you out of things that you yourself KNOW but because it's happening to yourself, way to close to home, you don't see it. We are constantly doing that to each other. I know at any moment that when I go to her with something, its not 2.2 seconds later that she just tells it like it is. To the point to where I'm like, ok, ok, moving on moving on, haha...anyway, I definately got a little hint my of chaotic life in the states talking about the upcoming year and dental school with her too. Theres so much happening and so much to do. Things are rapidly changing everyday!!!!! Its exciting because I have such a good feeling about what will happen next in my life but I just don't know exactly what it is. Just like coming to Brasil, I knew it would be an experience of a lifetime, that I would meet SOOO many different types of people, that I would get to know myself a little bit too well...and I did. Everything that I wanted to come of this happened. And the reality of my experiences were much better than I could have ever imagined :)

Speaking of things constantly and rapidly changing...my research project.....eh, yeah, thats kinda been a sentitive subject matter. So remember how I was studying memory extinction...yeah, not so much. Well, I did the protocol and have results (inconclusive, but results nonetheless) which I had a great time doing, but I'm going to presenting on the data of the whole departments control groups via factorial analysis!!!! Thank you Dr. Diener, ANOVA, and Biostatistics 201...oh and I should thank Christian Brothers Univerisity for allowing me to ace that coarse with my attendance to that class being well below the confindence interval of attending students who also made A's. I may not have shown up to class, but I damn right put in ALOT of hours for that man...wow, I realize that that doesn't sound quite right...but whatev.

I'm unusually anxious this week. I already started packing, just wanted to be done with it...thought about going into a pharmacy and asking for some Xanax or Valium, even though I don't particularly like being drugged to the point of absolute uselessness...just to see what they'd say, cause I dont' know if you need a script or not, I just want to know...promise...we have a 500 pill bottle of diazepam at my work and I NEVER feel tempted to take any, haha...

I did get something from the pharmacy once, however. Something that you would most definately need a script for in the states...actually what they gave me isn't even marketed in the states :/...I told Jeremy about it, he is the biggest mess I know, haha, don't know what to do with that boy...so I was like, yeah, I totally walked into a pharmacy and got some stuff that they don't even SELL in the US...his response, really, so you can just go to a pharmacy in Brasil and get cocaine and marijuana?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Ok, Jeremy...what have YOU been thinking about?!?!

Ah, yes, my Organic chemistry days are not over.....

I went to lunch today with the whole lab group even Padua :) I'm going to miss them for sure...They asked me to go with them, and I was like, you know what...that sounds great!!!! I got so much shit for it because I hadn't been going to lunch with them, haha....

"Oooohhh, looks whos coming to lunch today"

"Really?!?!? You're actually going to EAT today?"

"Yes, yes you should come...Vanessa's coming with us today...we love her, so need to make sure she eats"- Dr. Padua

WHAT??!?!?!?! I EAT!!!!!! Probably a little more than I've been wanting to since I've been here. But I'm about to leave and won't be able to have this type of food like this for a very long time...

It'll be back to Paleo, and back to training in no time...I can't wait, I don't feel like myself. I hate how last year I was probably the leanest I've ever been and now well, not the LEANEST, haha...I'm sure once school starts and I go back to hardly being able to eat and most definately not ever sitting down for meal, this will not be an "issue".

I did something last night that I haven't done in a while. Well, 1) I went to Dog & Pastel and got a hot dog...had flashbacks of when Candi told me about her hot dog experience in NYC...yeah...enough of that and 2) I listened and followed along to Horowitz jammin' out to some Chopin Nocturnes and Preludes...i miss my piano...I'm going to play alot more when I get back to the state...yep, it's decided...to be more specific: I'm going to get on Adam's own original arrangement of Gary Jules' "Mad World", and also Rachmanioff Prelude Op. 23 No.5....Ah...may....zing....

Silverlake in Los Angeles is apparently where its at. God that would be SOOOOOOOO dope (as Whitney put it) if I finally moved there. We've been talking about meeting up in LA for forever!!!! Like back during the UTAH days!!!!!!!!! I totally feel it comin' on...and you know what that means once I'm feelin' something :D

Are Brasillian rats different from American rats or something???

Uh, I mean...not that I know of??? Do you ever get asked questions when everytime a different person asks you the same question they think they are being so witty and original when in actuality there are being the complete opposite??? Oh well, I guess, makes for interesting conversation either way I suppose...

Its weird how even in rats, you can definitively tell one rat's "personality" from another. Like some of the rats are chill and kind of dumb seeming in that nothing really bothers them or phase them, so you can't tell if they just haven't processed anything you've conditioned them to doing or what!! Others are skiddish and scared/aware of EVERYTHING!!!! Either way, I'd work with rats over mice ANY DAY!!! My brief experience with mice was a rather challenging one...maybe it was because I was administrating a sedative drug via needle and syringe :/ They are fiesty though, almost got bit several times...the rats don't really put up too much of a fight, haha...idk...

I think my presentation is coming along rather well. I'm not sure/ kind of nervous about what my actual research project is supposed to be on. I'm spending all this time on this presentation but I don't think it will be the presentation that I will give in Memphis...hmmmm.....don't like having to do things TWICE!!! I'm sure the slides that I'm preparing now will come in handy though, so, no worries, right?

I wish I had taken biochem before I got here. It'd probably make for reading all these journal articles explaining the physiological processes of neural synapses and what not ALOT easier!!!! Instead I'm having to struggle through reading the article then do some additional struggling referencing other material in order to make sense of everything. Story of my life. So, today is my last full week of lab here at UFSC :( I just went around and took everyone's individual pics. This sucks ass. But I'm out of money so back to the homeland it is!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I need some time off from that emotion...gotta have FAITH"

Last full weekend in Floripa, Brasil. I've redirected all my emotions about not wanting to leave into what I will do with myself when I get back to the US. So I've registered for a pre-dental seminar and registered to take a practice DAT exam. All USC requires of a prospective dental student: 3.0-4.0 GPA, Acaedemic average of 18-22, and approximately $300K. Which sounds kind of steep, well hella HELLA steep for tuition, but the average salary of an oral surgeon in Los Angeles, CA is about $250k/year so it's not like I would be paying that much for school and then not being able to get a job in that field that would allow my to pay off such debt. And that's the only reason why I bring up the money situation. 'Cause you must honestly take salary and money into consideration if you're planning on droppin' that much. I don't necessarily need that much money to be happy, like, blah blah blah..."money doesn't buy happiness", but I do also know that you do NEED some in order to do certain things that you want to do. And I wouldn't think to spend that much money of school if I just wanted to be a teacher or something, ya know? Are you pickin' up what I'm droppin' down? Haha, I like how I can so easily entertain myself. Its one of my strongest traits :) So back to USC in Los Angeles, CA....I recently started talking again with a childhood friend, Whitney, that I've known since kindergarten!!! It's crazy because all of the "friend" groups in Tennessee have all grown up with each other, then there's me...who just popped into the picture out of the blue. But I've known that girl for forever!!! We'll go a year or so without talking then contact each other and its like nothing changed....well, ALOTS changed but we still can pick right back up...I went through her friends list on facebook and saw a ton of names of people that I went to grade and elementary school with...so weird...it was trippin' me out SOOOOOO bad...I haven't thought about that part of my life in SOOOOOO long. When I'm in Memphis and people ask where I'm from or whatever, I mean I say from out west, but that phrase has sort of dulled out over the years. Especially when so much of my life right now is in Memphis. So when I saw all the people that I grew up with "from out west" it hit a little...a little, soft spot...in my heart....hahaha...so Memphis, I'm sorry...but you loose!!!!!! I don't hate Memphis, by any means though...probably wouldn't have gotten paid to go to Brasil had it not been for Memphis. And my parents are there of coarse. They are going to need someone to take of them in a few years...and by "someone" I mean me...so, yeah...dental school...

It definately feels different...going from Medicine to Dental...with medicine its like you don't think about what you are currently doing as a pathway to obtaining something, its more like a lifestyle that you adopt and become...but I feel with dental its like...ok, go back to CBU, finish required biology courses, take the DAT hopefully just once, apply to school, get into school of choice, graduate dental school, and start making money. There's an end in sight. And THAT'S the main difference between the two disciplines...

I also think that my reasons for wanting to become a doctor and my reasons for becoming a dentist are completely and utterly contradictory of one another, its like the devil vs. the angel, the devil being the latter...Let me just tell you about those reasons...the "devil" in me says to go to Dental school and just get school done and start making a ton of money so that you can live your life however you want to, as selfishly as you want to, and endulge and love every minute of it, you know, the whole life is short senario...the "angel" in me says to go to medical school, somewhere where global medicine is a main focal point, where you would use your expertise to do humanitarian work...it would be devoting your life to something other than yourself, to try and "save the world" one person or one community at a time, for a lifetime...if you don't like my devil vs. angel analogy, you can get ovvvveeerr yourself.

I told someone last night at a bar...don't really know why that particular detail is necessary but whatev...who asked me what I was going to do after I get my B.S. degree, and I said Dental school. He's the first person I've told my new plans to. To be perfectly honest, it didn't feel as "right" as when I told people about becoming a doctor in order to advocate for global medicine...something St. George's Medical School is known for...shit, hahaha

So I'm going to keep doing what I do for now.

...just gotta have faith.

So...about that presentation...and paper...

I never realized how much of a dork I really am...maybe nerdy is a better word...yeah, PhDcomics is HILARIOUS!!! I'm pretty sure it's mainly due to the fact that I can relate so well to them...

I've become very overwhelmed with what is going to be happening in the upcoming couple of weeks, and upcoming year...

I can't believe I got so lost in school and daily life in Memphis, that I even convinced myself that staying in Memphis would be the best thing for me. I think it would be best for me to go back to where I've always wanted to go. Southern California. So it's decided. I know that I'm indecisive and have already gone through a variety of career choices...piano performance, to medicine, to grad student, to dental, to oral surgeon. At least they started to become more related as I went on...unlike going from piano performance to medicine. I think being in Brasil and stepping away from my life in Memphis made me realize this...I had forgotten about how much location and lifestyle really mean to me...

...very productive day yesterday...went to lab, made it up to 2 whole slides on my presentation, Brittany bought an UFSC sweater, and I made a bunch of eggs and bacon and took a nap!!! Oh yeah, I even talked to my Haju and told her all of my secrets...especially what I did two nights ago, hehehe...

Hopefully today will be even MORE productive...I'm looking at USC School of Dentistry right now...i'm loving this idea...