I think I'm ready to go back home, but then I feel like I'm not ready. It's been a complete emotional rollercoaster, not just because of the whole living in Brasil and not America thing but because the change of pace in mylifestyle here made it to where I was thinking alot. about EVERYTHING. Usually at home, I must admit, I try to keep that to a minimum. I was reading up on some Freud and he says these are classic signs of some types of defense mechanisms via denial. I'll admit, I was in denial there for a minute. A hot minute. I can feel myself getting back into that mode again. It's definately to ensure survival, that or its something I have to do in order to keep going to eventually get what I want. I would bomb out if I didn't.
So a couple of things (aka "issues" or "situations" as I like to call them) came up all of a sudden yesterday. So of coarse, I had to have a convo with my numero uno lover. It's great to have someone who thinks like you there to call you out of things that you yourself KNOW but because it's happening to yourself, way to close to home, you don't see it. We are constantly doing that to each other. I know at any moment that when I go to her with something, its not 2.2 seconds later that she just tells it like it is. To the point to where I'm like, ok, ok, moving on moving on, haha...anyway, I definately got a little hint my of chaotic life in the states talking about the upcoming year and dental school with her too. Theres so much happening and so much to do. Things are rapidly changing everyday!!!!! Its exciting because I have such a good feeling about what will happen next in my life but I just don't know exactly what it is. Just like coming to Brasil, I knew it would be an experience of a lifetime, that I would meet SOOO many different types of people, that I would get to know myself a little bit too well...and I did. Everything that I wanted to come of this happened. And the reality of my experiences were much better than I could have ever imagined :)
Speaking of things constantly and rapidly changing...my research project.....eh, yeah, thats kinda been a sentitive subject matter. So remember how I was studying memory extinction...yeah, not so much. Well, I did the protocol and have results (inconclusive, but results nonetheless) which I had a great time doing, but I'm going to presenting on the data of the whole departments control groups via factorial analysis!!!! Thank you Dr. Diener, ANOVA, and Biostatistics 201...oh and I should thank Christian Brothers Univerisity for allowing me to ace that coarse with my attendance to that class being well below the confindence interval of attending students who also made A's. I may not have shown up to class, but I damn right put in ALOT of hours for that man...wow, I realize that that doesn't sound quite right...but whatev.
I'm unusually anxious this week. I already started packing, just wanted to be done with it...thought about going into a pharmacy and asking for some Xanax or Valium, even though I don't particularly like being drugged to the point of absolute uselessness...just to see what they'd say, cause I dont' know if you need a script or not, I just want to know...promise...we have a 500 pill bottle of diazepam at my work and I NEVER feel tempted to take any, haha...
I did get something from the pharmacy once, however. Something that you would most definately need a script for in the states...actually what they gave me isn't even marketed in the states :/...I told Jeremy about it, he is the biggest mess I know, haha, don't know what to do with that boy...so I was like, yeah, I totally walked into a pharmacy and got some stuff that they don't even SELL in the US...his response, really, so you can just go to a pharmacy in Brasil and get cocaine and marijuana?
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Ok, Jeremy...what have YOU been thinking about?!?!
Ah, yes, my Organic chemistry days are not over.....
I went to lunch today with the whole lab group even Padua :) I'm going to miss them for sure...They asked me to go with them, and I was like, you know what...that sounds great!!!! I got so much shit for it because I hadn't been going to lunch with them, haha....
"Oooohhh, looks whos coming to lunch today"
"Really?!?!? You're actually going to EAT today?"
"Yes, yes you should come...Vanessa's coming with us today...we love her, so need to make sure she eats"- Dr. Padua
WHAT??!?!?!?! I EAT!!!!!! Probably a little more than I've been wanting to since I've been here. But I'm about to leave and won't be able to have this type of food like this for a very long time...
It'll be back to Paleo, and back to training in no time...I can't wait, I don't feel like myself. I hate how last year I was probably the leanest I've ever been and now well, not the LEANEST, haha...I'm sure once school starts and I go back to hardly being able to eat and most definately not ever sitting down for meal, this will not be an "issue".
I did something last night that I haven't done in a while. Well, 1) I went to Dog & Pastel and got a hot dog...had flashbacks of when Candi told me about her hot dog experience in NYC...yeah...enough of that and 2) I listened and followed along to Horowitz jammin' out to some Chopin Nocturnes and Preludes...i miss my piano...I'm going to play alot more when I get back to the state...yep, it's decided...to be more specific: I'm going to get on Adam's own original arrangement of Gary Jules' "Mad World", and also Rachmanioff Prelude Op. 23 No.5....Ah...may....zing....
Silverlake in Los Angeles is apparently where its at. God that would be SOOOOOOOO dope (as Whitney put it) if I finally moved there. We've been talking about meeting up in LA for forever!!!! Like back during the UTAH days!!!!!!!!! I totally feel it comin' on...and you know what that means once I'm feelin' something :D
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