The Process of Re-Americanization

I'm sad to say that within the last couple of weeks, I had to consciously decide to give up the portuguese. Although, I talked to my new roomie, Ana, last night and she would say a couple of thing to me in Portuguese (I told you she was Brasillian, right?) and its funny how it doesn't sound SOOOO foreign to me like before. That just goes to show that you really need to be exposed and exposed and over exposed to a new language, begin to understand it and pronounce words before you can truly be on your way to becoming fluent. Trying to cram all that into two months is ineffective and just incredibly frustrating. I think I gave up because I got into the well, I'm leaving to go back to America soon...I would say that was the first step in my re-americanization process. Maybe if EVERYONE refused to speak English with me, it would be another story. It's really funny when the people in lab or random English speaking people that I run into ask..."So, hows the Portuguese" (this is another one of the questions that EVERYBODY HAS to ask)...I just laugh...really...really...really...hard. Like today, I got on the UFSC-TITRI bus on the way to school to meet up with Cris for lunch, and there were a total of 4 people on the bus, including myself NOT including the driver and his wingman, and tell me why I decided to not have my ipod in so that I could listen to the portuguese chitter chatter (idk, I'm weird, I can't always justify why I do the things I do, I just do them) but all the chitter chatter was in ENGLISH!!! Haha, I was kind of annoyed and turned off...they just sounded so sterotypically "American"...I was giving them dirty looks in my head, even though I appreciated being able to eaves drop into someones, ANYONES convo.

I just got back from lunch with my BFF here Cris. I think this is a GREAT way to end my days at the UFSC lab. They've all planned to come out to the BlackSwan as a sort of a "going away" party :) which makes me happy. They are a great group of people. So smart and very hard working. I truely admire all of them.

I definately plan on coming back. Especially in the summer. Especially with Ana. I told her last night. Plus, in the summer I'm going to make Ernie and Cris show me how to surf. So, this is over, but it's not at the same time.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty chill for me. With the exception of getting a tattoo. Thought I'd just throw that in there. I did it. It did not, and I repeat DID NOT in any WAY SHAPE OR FORM feel any kind of good. At all. There were a select few people that I told first. Each and everyone responded like so..."Are you going to tell your dad?"...."Did you tell your parents?"...."You can't tell your dad, you know that right?"..."Your parents will die"....

I love how everybody knows that my parents can't know, haha...I told Brittany that I will tell them when I'm out of medical or dental school and possibly married and where they are dependant of me financially...yeah, thats when I'll tell them. So I got some time. I'm not even going to worry about it. We have that typical parents-child relationship. I think its good. Maybe becuase they are older compared to other peoples' parents at my age. I go to them for everything, thats for sure, and always include them in my life plans and ideas that I have for myself.Just to backtrack a bit...the day before yesterday, getting off the bus from UFSC...I decided once again to randomly do a little shopping for my people back at home. So I'm in a shop and I here my name being called out in the background!! It was Alessio. Long-story short, (FYI he's the Italian, remember? Dom would kill me, but whatever) he made me homemade pizza!!! Do you see where my enthusiasm is coming from?!?!? An italian...making homemade pizza?!?!? I dont' know how to explain why watching him make pizza was so "cool" to me. hahaha, ok, yeah, maybe I've totally lost it. Anyway, it was soooooooooo soooooooo soooooooooooooooooooo good. Everytime I decide to do something out of the typical daliy routine, something fun happens :) I like it!!! Tudo bem (plus a thumbs up sign)!!!! So I ended up getting a TON of awesome Italian rap songs, my favorite being Vaffanculo Scemo by Fabri Fibra. AWESOME!!!!! oh Tutti Matti is great too. I felt so dumb trying to communicate with Alessio. He speaks 3 languages...fluently...I was getting so confused, because I've been adjusting to listening to try and understand portuguese, which has been easy to do becuase thats what they speak here, but Alessios native languages are French and Italian (the part of Italy where he lives in right on the French-Italy border so they speak French there as well)...so when he's mumbling or rambling...its in Italian, which sounds very similar to Portuguese...at one point I had to ask him...I was like...when you're just talkin' shit or whatever, are you speaking Italian...he was like...uh....yeah...hahaha. Then I was being nosey looking through his computer, and everythings in Italian!!!! One freakin' language at a time PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!! We had 3 different translator-dictionaries out, too, haha...I love it!!!

Just when I think that I will NEVER EVER be able to find a brasillian bikini that I love and looks great on...I've currently obtained 3 sets :)

Good times, good times.

I hate "countdowns"

I do. I don't know why people keep insisting on doing them. If someones getting married, they count down. If someones graduating, they count down. If someones about to do ANYTHING, they countdown. Perhaps to make the event more dramatic...idk, maybe I'm bitter because I'm constantly being reminded of my time left in Brasil. Which I'd rather just try and make the most and enjoy the rest of it, instead of thinking ahead to the future.

I mean I don't really care THAT much...do what you gotta do, ya know...whatever floats your boat...that just doesn't particularly float MY boat.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought I should probably start and think about gifts for people. I would just keep getting that overwhelmed feeling that would make me really indecisive to the point where I would just forget about the whole thing. My conflicts stems from, thinking about being fair, thinking about price and how I spent HALF OF MY MONEY THE FIRST WEEK I WAS HERE...trying to think too much about the individual person (which is a good thing, no doubt, but I have 17 people on my list of things to get stuff for :/ )...but then today, my last weekend in Floripa, all those doubts and hesitations went flying out the window :) Which is good, cause now I can just get the stuff and move on with my life. I'm done thinking about money and how I should be conservative with it. My justification is that I don't spend money like this in the states...see, it's a good thing that I'm usually really busy to the point of where I don't have time to spend money, hahaha...Like I had to ask my parentals for more money :/ which is lame I know, like I should have been MORE THAN ABLE TO set a budget and stick to it to have plenty of extra money...I begged my dad to set a budget for me but he was just like, "just control it and don't splurge...watch your daily spending"...my response..."no shit I should just 'control' it, but I'm telling you that this is most definately not my strong point...YOU OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW THIS"...I didn't say that to my dad verbatim obviously...I was just like "ooooookkkkkkkkaaaay", haha...and rightly fully so.

reminders of things to blog about...
"So how's the portuguese"
Brasil album
presentation
last weekend (LECO mania)-first thing EVERYONE said when I told them lol.
Homemade Italian pizza :)
Centro
Bikini from Cris
2nd to last day in lab (group pic and how Cris called me out)
Dr. Fitz

Still need to shop for...
shirts
bracelets
shorts (Barra da Lagoa)
feather and stud earrings (open market)
A couple more pairs of Havaianas
shotglasses
more coffee
guava paste
something for my mom to put in the house
coffee mug for dad

All in all...I'm doing ok...lots of stuff going on at home that are great :)
Feels great to have been gone for so long and knowing that there are a bunch of people awaiting my return...don't think it wouldve been quite the same if this weren't the case!!!!!
I glad to say that I'm 100% over any issue I had at home before I left. Brasil was EXACTLY what I needed in my life at this particular time. I was kind of "stuck in a rut" before I left, living mondanely in the daily activities of life. Not thinking about much else other than what was immediately before me. That goes for people and things. I always say that "hindsight is a very important perspective" as it molds you into who you are to become...its so true...I think I was so depressed that first week of being here because I knew that everything that I was holding on to in the states, aka bad relationships, uncertain relationships, pressure to the best at school, etc etc, would have to be let go completely. It's funny how actually dealing and facing your personal issues are somewhat easier to just leave unexamined. God, I'm making myself sound like a mental nutcase...call me what you will. So, I feel like I can come back and kind of "start over" I love this new, fresh perspective I have on life, think it will hold up for a while...life is good.

Well Brasil, after taking all of my money and taking advantage of me, I guess it's time we part ways

I think I'm ready to go back home, but then I feel like I'm not ready. It's been a complete emotional rollercoaster, not just because of the whole living in Brasil and not America thing but because the change of pace in mylifestyle here made it to where I was thinking alot. about EVERYTHING. Usually at home, I must admit, I try to keep that to a minimum. I was reading up on some Freud and he says these are classic signs of some types of defense mechanisms via denial. I'll admit, I was in denial there for a minute. A hot minute. I can feel myself getting back into that mode again. It's definately to ensure survival, that or its something I have to do in order to keep going to eventually get what I want. I would bomb out if I didn't.

So a couple of things (aka "issues" or "situations" as I like to call them) came up all of a sudden yesterday. So of coarse, I had to have a convo with my numero uno lover. It's great to have someone who thinks like you there to call you out of things that you yourself KNOW but because it's happening to yourself, way to close to home, you don't see it. We are constantly doing that to each other. I know at any moment that when I go to her with something, its not 2.2 seconds later that she just tells it like it is. To the point to where I'm like, ok, ok, moving on moving on, haha...anyway, I definately got a little hint my of chaotic life in the states talking about the upcoming year and dental school with her too. Theres so much happening and so much to do. Things are rapidly changing everyday!!!!! Its exciting because I have such a good feeling about what will happen next in my life but I just don't know exactly what it is. Just like coming to Brasil, I knew it would be an experience of a lifetime, that I would meet SOOO many different types of people, that I would get to know myself a little bit too well...and I did. Everything that I wanted to come of this happened. And the reality of my experiences were much better than I could have ever imagined :)

Speaking of things constantly and rapidly changing...my research project.....eh, yeah, thats kinda been a sentitive subject matter. So remember how I was studying memory extinction...yeah, not so much. Well, I did the protocol and have results (inconclusive, but results nonetheless) which I had a great time doing, but I'm going to presenting on the data of the whole departments control groups via factorial analysis!!!! Thank you Dr. Diener, ANOVA, and Biostatistics 201...oh and I should thank Christian Brothers Univerisity for allowing me to ace that coarse with my attendance to that class being well below the confindence interval of attending students who also made A's. I may not have shown up to class, but I damn right put in ALOT of hours for that man...wow, I realize that that doesn't sound quite right...but whatev.

I'm unusually anxious this week. I already started packing, just wanted to be done with it...thought about going into a pharmacy and asking for some Xanax or Valium, even though I don't particularly like being drugged to the point of absolute uselessness...just to see what they'd say, cause I dont' know if you need a script or not, I just want to know...promise...we have a 500 pill bottle of diazepam at my work and I NEVER feel tempted to take any, haha...

I did get something from the pharmacy once, however. Something that you would most definately need a script for in the states...actually what they gave me isn't even marketed in the states :/...I told Jeremy about it, he is the biggest mess I know, haha, don't know what to do with that boy...so I was like, yeah, I totally walked into a pharmacy and got some stuff that they don't even SELL in the US...his response, really, so you can just go to a pharmacy in Brasil and get cocaine and marijuana?

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Ok, Jeremy...what have YOU been thinking about?!?!

Ah, yes, my Organic chemistry days are not over.....

I went to lunch today with the whole lab group even Padua :) I'm going to miss them for sure...They asked me to go with them, and I was like, you know what...that sounds great!!!! I got so much shit for it because I hadn't been going to lunch with them, haha....

"Oooohhh, looks whos coming to lunch today"

"Really?!?!? You're actually going to EAT today?"

"Yes, yes you should come...Vanessa's coming with us today...we love her, so need to make sure she eats"- Dr. Padua

WHAT??!?!?!?! I EAT!!!!!! Probably a little more than I've been wanting to since I've been here. But I'm about to leave and won't be able to have this type of food like this for a very long time...

It'll be back to Paleo, and back to training in no time...I can't wait, I don't feel like myself. I hate how last year I was probably the leanest I've ever been and now well, not the LEANEST, haha...I'm sure once school starts and I go back to hardly being able to eat and most definately not ever sitting down for meal, this will not be an "issue".

I did something last night that I haven't done in a while. Well, 1) I went to Dog & Pastel and got a hot dog...had flashbacks of when Candi told me about her hot dog experience in NYC...yeah...enough of that and 2) I listened and followed along to Horowitz jammin' out to some Chopin Nocturnes and Preludes...i miss my piano...I'm going to play alot more when I get back to the state...yep, it's decided...to be more specific: I'm going to get on Adam's own original arrangement of Gary Jules' "Mad World", and also Rachmanioff Prelude Op. 23 No.5....Ah...may....zing....

Silverlake in Los Angeles is apparently where its at. God that would be SOOOOOOOO dope (as Whitney put it) if I finally moved there. We've been talking about meeting up in LA for forever!!!! Like back during the UTAH days!!!!!!!!! I totally feel it comin' on...and you know what that means once I'm feelin' something :D

Are Brasillian rats different from American rats or something???

Uh, I mean...not that I know of??? Do you ever get asked questions when everytime a different person asks you the same question they think they are being so witty and original when in actuality there are being the complete opposite??? Oh well, I guess, makes for interesting conversation either way I suppose...

Its weird how even in rats, you can definitively tell one rat's "personality" from another. Like some of the rats are chill and kind of dumb seeming in that nothing really bothers them or phase them, so you can't tell if they just haven't processed anything you've conditioned them to doing or what!! Others are skiddish and scared/aware of EVERYTHING!!!! Either way, I'd work with rats over mice ANY DAY!!! My brief experience with mice was a rather challenging one...maybe it was because I was administrating a sedative drug via needle and syringe :/ They are fiesty though, almost got bit several times...the rats don't really put up too much of a fight, haha...idk...

I think my presentation is coming along rather well. I'm not sure/ kind of nervous about what my actual research project is supposed to be on. I'm spending all this time on this presentation but I don't think it will be the presentation that I will give in Memphis...hmmmm.....don't like having to do things TWICE!!! I'm sure the slides that I'm preparing now will come in handy though, so, no worries, right?

I wish I had taken biochem before I got here. It'd probably make for reading all these journal articles explaining the physiological processes of neural synapses and what not ALOT easier!!!! Instead I'm having to struggle through reading the article then do some additional struggling referencing other material in order to make sense of everything. Story of my life. So, today is my last full week of lab here at UFSC :( I just went around and took everyone's individual pics. This sucks ass. But I'm out of money so back to the homeland it is!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I need some time off from that emotion...gotta have FAITH"

Last full weekend in Floripa, Brasil. I've redirected all my emotions about not wanting to leave into what I will do with myself when I get back to the US. So I've registered for a pre-dental seminar and registered to take a practice DAT exam. All USC requires of a prospective dental student: 3.0-4.0 GPA, Acaedemic average of 18-22, and approximately $300K. Which sounds kind of steep, well hella HELLA steep for tuition, but the average salary of an oral surgeon in Los Angeles, CA is about $250k/year so it's not like I would be paying that much for school and then not being able to get a job in that field that would allow my to pay off such debt. And that's the only reason why I bring up the money situation. 'Cause you must honestly take salary and money into consideration if you're planning on droppin' that much. I don't necessarily need that much money to be happy, like, blah blah blah..."money doesn't buy happiness", but I do also know that you do NEED some in order to do certain things that you want to do. And I wouldn't think to spend that much money of school if I just wanted to be a teacher or something, ya know? Are you pickin' up what I'm droppin' down? Haha, I like how I can so easily entertain myself. Its one of my strongest traits :) So back to USC in Los Angeles, CA....I recently started talking again with a childhood friend, Whitney, that I've known since kindergarten!!! It's crazy because all of the "friend" groups in Tennessee have all grown up with each other, then there's me...who just popped into the picture out of the blue. But I've known that girl for forever!!! We'll go a year or so without talking then contact each other and its like nothing changed....well, ALOTS changed but we still can pick right back up...I went through her friends list on facebook and saw a ton of names of people that I went to grade and elementary school with...so weird...it was trippin' me out SOOOOOO bad...I haven't thought about that part of my life in SOOOOOO long. When I'm in Memphis and people ask where I'm from or whatever, I mean I say from out west, but that phrase has sort of dulled out over the years. Especially when so much of my life right now is in Memphis. So when I saw all the people that I grew up with "from out west" it hit a little...a little, soft spot...in my heart....hahaha...so Memphis, I'm sorry...but you loose!!!!!! I don't hate Memphis, by any means though...probably wouldn't have gotten paid to go to Brasil had it not been for Memphis. And my parents are there of coarse. They are going to need someone to take of them in a few years...and by "someone" I mean me...so, yeah...dental school...

It definately feels different...going from Medicine to Dental...with medicine its like you don't think about what you are currently doing as a pathway to obtaining something, its more like a lifestyle that you adopt and become...but I feel with dental its like...ok, go back to CBU, finish required biology courses, take the DAT hopefully just once, apply to school, get into school of choice, graduate dental school, and start making money. There's an end in sight. And THAT'S the main difference between the two disciplines...

I also think that my reasons for wanting to become a doctor and my reasons for becoming a dentist are completely and utterly contradictory of one another, its like the devil vs. the angel, the devil being the latter...Let me just tell you about those reasons...the "devil" in me says to go to Dental school and just get school done and start making a ton of money so that you can live your life however you want to, as selfishly as you want to, and endulge and love every minute of it, you know, the whole life is short senario...the "angel" in me says to go to medical school, somewhere where global medicine is a main focal point, where you would use your expertise to do humanitarian work...it would be devoting your life to something other than yourself, to try and "save the world" one person or one community at a time, for a lifetime...if you don't like my devil vs. angel analogy, you can get ovvvveeerr yourself.

I told someone last night at a bar...don't really know why that particular detail is necessary but whatev...who asked me what I was going to do after I get my B.S. degree, and I said Dental school. He's the first person I've told my new plans to. To be perfectly honest, it didn't feel as "right" as when I told people about becoming a doctor in order to advocate for global medicine...something St. George's Medical School is known for...shit, hahaha

So I'm going to keep doing what I do for now.

...just gotta have faith.

So...about that presentation...and paper...

I never realized how much of a dork I really am...maybe nerdy is a better word...yeah, PhDcomics is HILARIOUS!!! I'm pretty sure it's mainly due to the fact that I can relate so well to them...

I've become very overwhelmed with what is going to be happening in the upcoming couple of weeks, and upcoming year...

I can't believe I got so lost in school and daily life in Memphis, that I even convinced myself that staying in Memphis would be the best thing for me. I think it would be best for me to go back to where I've always wanted to go. Southern California. So it's decided. I know that I'm indecisive and have already gone through a variety of career choices...piano performance, to medicine, to grad student, to dental, to oral surgeon. At least they started to become more related as I went on...unlike going from piano performance to medicine. I think being in Brasil and stepping away from my life in Memphis made me realize this...I had forgotten about how much location and lifestyle really mean to me...

...very productive day yesterday...went to lab, made it up to 2 whole slides on my presentation, Brittany bought an UFSC sweater, and I made a bunch of eggs and bacon and took a nap!!! Oh yeah, I even talked to my Haju and told her all of my secrets...especially what I did two nights ago, hehehe...

Hopefully today will be even MORE productive...I'm looking at USC School of Dentistry right now...i'm loving this idea...

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on anyway.

Just to finish up on that "moment" that I was obviously having earlier...I realized it was me trying to deny the fact that things come and go and that I don't have any type of control over it. Things change, situations change, people will come and go in and out of your life...thats just the way it goes. Its amazing what happens once you accept things for the way that they simply are...well for starters you snap out of depression. You can't blame me for being sad and not wanting this to end. After this moment of clarity I've decided to stop whatever it was that I was doing to myself mentally and just live it up for the next 3 weeks in Brasil. Only 2 of which will be here in Floripa. I'm soooo excited for Rio, but then I know it will be over :( All I can do is take from this experience anything and everything I can.

I've met some of the greatest people and have been able to get close to alot of people here that I probably would not have in Memphis. I can only hope that we all make time to keep in touch...

Enough of my philosophical babble bullshit!!!!!! 2 weeks of lab left...well, less than...then Rio De Janeiro!!!!!!! I told Brittany today that it's time to take it up a notch!!!!! This afternoon was the perfect "initiation ceremony", if you will, of this new way of life and living as a young American in Brasil...

...this too shall pass....and we'll all float on anyway...

I'm just going to take it upon myself and have a "personal day"...yeah I'm having a moment

So I went to bed last night at like 7pm and couldn't get up this morning. I ended up FORCING myself to get out of bed at around noon. WTF?!?! I don't know. I do this when I'm depressed, overwhelmed, or a lovely combo of both. At the Wesberry Surgery Center, we call this "having a moment". Thoughts about Grad school, Dental School, or Med school, my research, or lack there-of, leaving Brasil, having to get through another year of ridiculous biology courses, applying to more schools, taking entrance exams, not being able to be around the people I want to be around, having to let go of certain desires only to maybe have it again one day, blah, blah, blah....all came flooding in. So my body's defense mechanism...sleep, sleep, and more sleep. My room here in the pousada is perfect for such a strategy. I can make it pitch black in the middle of the sunniest of sunny days...



...it's just rough having unplanned events occur that completely change the coarse of how you see your life in the next few years. This experience in Brasil has done such amazing work on me. Do I really want the lifestyle of a medical student and then a resident in which the prospects of incorporating even a daily workout regimen seems overly hopeful?!? I've been considering Dental school, which I have worked for a dentist for the past 3 and a half years...I would just feel like I was copping out from medicine. I know this is all personal and in my head...all of which I'm starting to let go. I'd like a life and a career, not life=career. I don't know why I'm talking about all of this right now, maybe the stout cup of coffee I just downed has something to do with it. I'm going to the beach now to shop...hopefully I will come back as the emotionally in control woman that I am, haha...upon my return I will need to list my list of school that I will apply to and make a list of songs that I will debut on my "summer in Brasil 2010" album...

Pavlov's The Man

A great Brasiliian professor once said to me..."you know, Vanessa, why do people in love always want to be around each other all the time??...think about it...since you are here living in Brasil and the one you love lives in the US, you are not allowing your love memories to be reactived which then means that they won't be reconsolidated and further strengthened...so bascially, it just won't work out. Put that in your research proposal!!!!"

-Dr. AP Carobrez

The only thing that I hate and regret about Brasil is the fact that I thought that the day after I got off the plane, that it would be balls to the wall at the lab. Nope. I straight chilled for about.....eh....the whole first month I was here!!! Which, ok, I know you're like...why the HELL would you be complaining about that. and I'm not complaining, but I'm just saying that, I wish I could have better prepared myself for that. It was like being in that "work mode" and not having any work to do. It wasn't so bad though...I am in Brasil :) Now that I'm in travel and party mode...I have experiments and presentations and have to collect data and analyze behavior and write. The days in which I would spend hours upon hours in a music room, just me and the piano, playing Brahms' Rhapsody to perfection, seems a faint memory...

I've always been interesting in behavioral and cognitive science...it was the perfect combination of the core science coarses and psychology/philosophy. All of which I absolutely love.

So my man Ivan Pavlov, who received the Nobel Prize in 1904 for his discoveries, is who I have to thank for my being able to play with lab rats I suppose...currently the term "memory extinction" means that an original memory is suppressed to the point of non-expression by another learned and newly formed memory. This isn't ideal since the original memory may at any point spontaneously reactivate...not good if this particular memory is a traumatic one. So I, Vanessa Walker, will try to shed some light and determine the neurological events that occur during memory extinction training which utilize pharmaceuticals. AND if in fact previously stabilized memories, once reactivated and protein degradation initiated, may become non-existent and will not be susceptible to spontaneous recovery. hmmm, that was definately a mouthful. a scientific mouthful.

I like how when Team Padua and I got together to discuss my project...it went a little somethin' like this...insert and visualize about 45 minutes of what you think 5 Brasillian scientists sounds like in the midst of a discussing a protocol, and me...just sitting there, then imagine one of my fellow researchers turing to me at the end and saying..."Ok, Vanessa, you will take 9 rats in 10 minute sessions...and.....juuusssst see.....if they prefer the well lit exposed area or the innately preferred dark enclosed area with the fear conditioned odor, ok go!"...i want to know what was all said in the other 40 minutes of the conversation....I heard "ela" and "Vanessa" SEVERAL times, haha.

I haven't been able to work out as much this month...I'm just going to suck it up until I get back to Memphis. So I haven't had to eat as much. When I'm hardcore into my training routine I tend to eat alot more to conpensate for the massive calorie loss, when I'm not training as much I'm usually not as hungry. Has this become an issue? Is this a slap in the face to Brasillian culture? I've not been going to lunch with the people in the lab...last week, it was because I was coming in later and eating at home later...I think they think I just don't want go with them or that I'm "going back to the ways of Americans". haha, its not like that at all. I just don't need to be eating that much if I'm not training. Its that simple.

Week #8

God, I can't believe it's already been 8 weeks since I first got to Brasil. I don't want this to end. Every weekend has been getting better and better!! This week, my weekend started on a Thursday night, completely unplanned, completely out of the norm...I don't know where this feeling came from but i got off the bus from UFSC and was just like...you know what? I don't WANT to read my rats, I don't WANT to just go home and sit in my room til I pass out, I don't WANT to eat scrambled eggs...

I was thinking that I had had a long week in the lab trying to collect 12 hours of data from videos I had recorded during my experiments (which by the way...I totally learned my lesson, haha...read while you do the experiment, I put myself behind a week cause of that crap!!!!), I had been working very hard and deserved a break...I thought I'd just walk down to the Blackswan, sit at the bar since I was by myself, could maybe talk to the bartender or the owner, have a couple beers, maybe a sandwich too. Sounded great! That's not what happened. Ended up at John Bull...had a completely different experience than the first time with Andre and Marco...obviously a much better one :) It was definately what I had been needing for a while...like I went to work the next morning and got soooooo much work done, haha, I don't know...it just felt good to change the pace a little bit and to just throw yourself out there not knowing what would go down next...I think I've been saying "greatest weekend ever" since I got here...but that for sure was the greatest weekend ever. period.

Then Dom and Gabe came to visit Floripa...haha, kind of a joke considering it was raining its ass off all weekend...just didn't put Floripa in the best light. There's not a WHOLE lot to do here and the things that people do come down here for...like going to the beach and sand dune surfing would not be practical to do. It was more like a bonding weekend I think. It was fun for sure!!! Dom found another scandalous, sexy outfit for the night...she let me wear one of her sweater dresses...she insisted that I try it on...so I did, and walked out to show the gang and Dom looks me up and down and says..."yeah, I like your tits"...I have to admit, I was kind of sad...what about my face?!?!? or my hair?!?! haha...loved the dress, felt great on!!!!!! I thought about stealing it but...We went to the Blackswan again, of coarse, where the band rocked out to some Justin Timberlake...I don't care what you think about that, you can get ovvvvvver it...ate some super spicy chicken curry and I was ready to call it a night, haha. God, I felt old. I justified my lack of wanting to go out and get TRASHED by bringing up the fact that I pretty much didn't go to bed Thursday night and that it was raining and NOBODY was out! Glad Gabe was in the same boat as I was...we went home...Britt and Dom decide to go to 'Made'. Great!!! Have a good time, call me if you need anything...holla!!!! The situation was set up perfectly. Gabe and I were in my room and heard Dom and Britt walk into the pousada...SOOOOOOO, Gabe and I started making noises with the head board of the bed and i started making moaning sounds...Dom and Britt's chattering came to a completely hault...LMFAO!!!!! Gabe and I couldn't stop laughing...i walked out of my room and Dom and Britt were hiding in Britt's room...ahhh, it was great...just wished Gabe and I had played it out longer through the morning...maybe next time, maybe next time. Ended the weekend by going to Praia Joaquina in the rain and playing in the surprisingly warm ocean water :)

Posted above is my "Blackswan Gringo Picture". We've got a French/German who SAYS he's written a book about all his famous people encounters and apparently has a "weekend brasillian" girlfriend, an ex-wife, a baby's mama, and a newly discovered daughter...aka his "Irish daughter"...cause baby's mama was Irish and come to find out, she wasn't lying about being pregnant...draaaaaaaaammmmmmmaaaaaaaa.........I'm representin' America, quite beautifully if I should say so myself (except for I'm totally talking shit because I was NOT feeling sexual at all that night), the blond girl is straight from Germany, south of Berlin, her name was Annette-she got here a week ago and is studying tourism???? whatever, sounds good to me, I bought it at least...then there's Lee...who is from South Africa and owns a Havaianas store north of the island...interesting group.

ET QUASI CURSORES VITAE LAMPADA TRADUNT

"....and like runners, they pass on the torch of life."

Sunday in Sao Paulo was chill...surprisingly. Prob to recover from the night before. We spent most of the morning talking about the night before. I actually got up at like 7am...which we didn't go to bed til 5am...and went downstairs to the lounge area to look through my camera...

We then all went to an old cemetary in the middle of the city. Very stunning structures.

Afterwards, we stopped in somewhere for a little snack and caught the end of the world cup games!!! VIVA ESPANA!!!!!

The 12 hour bus ride home very comfortable and UNcomfortable at the same time :/. Arrived in Floripa at 8am...got to lab at 1030am. Never had so much energy in my life. I seem to have more energy when I've had little to no sleep than when I get a full night's rest. Idk...I don't run on sleep...I don't know what I run on...

I've slowly brought coffee back into my diet. Yum. Especially when I have Sugarfree Hazelnut creamer and Splenda. I love my parents. My dad's even paying for the nightstand that I ruined. Love being the typical "daddy's girl" and typical "momma's girl". Its so funny cause they are both aware that I play with both roles...haha, go to dad for certain things, go to mom for certain things...I'm very lucky to have those two together. The older I get the more I realize how uncommon it is to have grown up in a family like mine. It's good though. I want to work hard and be successful so that I can one day take care of them like they do me. It's weird how your priorities and decisions change...so i guess when I go to the west indies for medical school or where ever, they are just going to go with me :) not too terribly close though, cause they are still parents, ya know? so they act as such....constant nagging, and constant questions...blah.

Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna take your picture

***************The Week Club*Made in Brazil*Festa Babylon**************
Amazing night. Amazing club. Amazing DJ.

I had been playing Cazwell's "Tonight" on repeat for the past several days and the DJ totally had it in his mix!!! It was awesome!! That kind of thing is ALWAYS happening to me :)

It just made me think about my lover, Hajra, back in the states!!!

I will just say that I've never been out somewhere where I wasn't totally hammered and wanted to stay past 4am like I did that night...we had to go though, haha. Dom's great :)

Found out later that this club is in Rio and Floripa. I just feel like Sao Paulo was where it was at...all the scandalous pictures told me so. Hope I get to go back to Sao Paulo one of these days...

"Non Dvcor, Dvco"

CITY OF SAINT PAUL

"I am not led, I lead"

Sao Paulo, Brasil. Largest city in Brasil, the Americas and around the Southern Hemisphere, considered an Alpha Global City, and is the 6th largest city on the PLANET with a population exceeding 29 million people between the Metro and urbans areas!!!!!!! Wow is right. I LOVED IT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what else to say about it other than "wow".




The 2.5 days that I was there was a blur...no sleep...millions of people, millions of things to do....hundreds of dollars to spend. I want more of it. The stimulation I got from being there is undoubtingly comparable to that of a drug addict trying to get another fix. Don't get me wrong, love the beach town vibe of Floripa...but right now, I want to be where all the action is going on. And yeah, it was polluted...I may even describe it was down right dirty, but it was amazing. Talk about urban, city beauty at its peak. SOOO much culture. Makes Memphis look....small. Very small. Like a safe, quaint town in the heart of the American south. hmmm. Definately opened my eyes up. Even having been in NYC, didn't make me feel like that. Again. Wow.

Thursday night was the beginning of the 12 hour bus ride to the city from Floripa. Not bad actually. More comfortable than the flight from Dallas to Sao Paulo. Then once we got there....it was vai, vai, vai...go, go, go!!!! We went shopping in market vender type places and even went to an oriental part of the city. Did I spend alot of money???....well, yeah. Think we went out for Pizza that night...4 queijos e pepperoni...oh and chocolate com bananas :) drizzle a little extra virgin olive oil and red pepper flakes.....oh god. yum. Kind of an early, sort of chill night. Dom and I wanted to be rested enough for Crossfit Brasil in the morning!!!!

Saturday morning. I'm the first up. As usual. And actually didn't even have to wake Dom up!! Which I had heard earlier would be the biggest pain in the ass. Nope. Maybe she was just as excited/nervous to go to the gym as I was. It was the same kind of nervous I get when I go to Crossfit Memphis. We all talk about it. I've been with Crossfit Memphis for 3 years and I still get that feeling before doing an insane W.O.D. I'm glad she went and did that with me. It was kind of a great adventure trying to get there too...which I'm always all about. Its crazy how much alike Dom and I are, haha. As far as being very assertive and knowing what we want and not asking questions, just doing what we want. She's a mess, too. Almost left the address and directions to the gym...classic Vanessa move. Anyway, we get to the bus stop and while we are waiting for the one we needed to get on we start runnin' our mouths and miss it....ummm....what do we do now? TAKE OFF RUNNING THE FASTEST YOUR BODY CAN HANDLE AFTER THE BUS IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY OPEN, VERY CROWDED, MAIN STREET IN ONE OF THE BIGGEST CITIES IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!! yep. That was 100% Dom's idea. I liked it. I was right behind her. Until my leggings (yes, I wore leggings as workout pants...I'm becoming very Brasillian) started to fall. Good warmup but unsuccessful. I could tell Dom was thinking very intently about what we could do next...I know because I do the same thing...usually in silence too, haha. So this girl, sees a cab stopped at a red light (keep in mind the street is 5 or 6 lanes deep...and the cab was 3 lanes in accompanied by a huge city bus 2 lanes in) proceeds to walk to the cab, then into the cab...I kind of follow her, not really knowing what she was doing or what I should do until I looked up and realized that I was standing directly in front of the city bus. Not a good idea. Especially in Brasil. Especially considering that pedestrians DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY!!!! So I got in the cab. and we got to the gym 20 minutes early :) perfecto! Good day. Love staring off my day with a killer crossfit workout!

So after the workout, we grabbed a little snack and headed back to the apartment. The bus ride was interesting. You'd think I'd hadn't been riding on a city bus all summer. I was struggling. I had to stand in front of a creeper. who was starting. probably at the fact that I was just wearing leggings for pants. maybe I was just iffy about the tights as pants in general. Then it was shopping for a SET for the night. Which I found :) and the hottest shoes ever made on the planet!!!! Thanks Zara :)

True Devotion: Eyes Like Static

I've decided to make "Brasil 2010 Soundtrack" album consisting of all the songs that I fell in love with while here. I think I'll even use my new photobucket skills and create a sick album cover with the pictures I've taken :)

I'm getting everything that I wanted out of this experience. To see how independent I was, to see how I would handle certain situations that I had no control over, to change by growing and maturing. I feel like I've done all those things. It's weird the people that I've missed since being here that maybe when I was home I took for granted. My attitude was no doubt selfish...oh I have alot of school work to do, blah blah blah...but it was just like, well I see these people everyday, they should just understand that, yes, I do love them differently than I love most people, even if I don't show it or say it. what?!?! yeah, thats dumb. But I'm not big on discussing emotions. That's changed for sure. maybe because I can't see these people everyday and the ONLY way that they would know that I thought about them or loved them was to tell them. I said I wasn't big on DISCUSSING emotions but I'm actually a very emotional person. Alot of what I "go" by is how something makes me feel. If I don't like how something or someone makes me feel then I get rid of it. simple as that. Maybe I wasn't so apt to giving out information about myself, because I thought it would make me vulernable...who knows...all I know is that something inside me was slowing dying until I started telling the people I love and mean most to me how I feel. These are the people that make me who I am and I need them to remind me that thats the person I want to be. Its hard because there is nobody here in Brasil that I can say that about. Its just me. On my own. With only my memories of "who I was" to guide me. I just realized that the people I cared about the most, the least time I spent with...Candi, Lan, my parents....just to name a couple...completely took for granted that I would see Candi everyday at work or see Lan everyday at home. Now I have neither and it was driving me crazy how much I missed them. So the lesson to ride home with (classic Dr. Eisen quote) is that tell the people you really love how much you love them...everyday.

Which brings to Jeremy Robertson. I had the strongest urge telling me that I HAD to call him or else...it was strange, but I called him, and I felt better :) It had been 2.5 months since we had talked, and we were both different people but still the same...

Vodka From The Land of The Wolf...

I looked up the defination of "procrastination". haha, it's a legit condition. Something to do with the prefrontal cortex where some type of neurobiological synapses are lacking...sounds serious, cause it is. If you think it's all crap talk, just live a day in my life with me for a couple of days!!!! Actually no...although I do admit that I procrastinate quite a bit back at home, I think this amplification of procrastination symptoms is directly due to the fact that Dr. Fitz put me in the most laid back, typical beach town, in BRASIL!!!!!!!! I'm struggling though...there's just something great about reading up on "procrastination" on wikipedia that makes it way too real.

This past weekend was 4th of July weekend!!! Happy Independence Day to the greatest country in the world!!! Ok!!! Don't freak out, I'm not some psycho nationalist or anything, but as great as Brasil is and as much as I don't ever want to leave this place...I love America...and being American. At first I was kind of hesitant to be so open about my "americanism", but lately, not so much. It's weird that it's taken a experience like this to bring that out in me. This was me before Brasil (and maybe living in Saudi Arabia has some responsibility for this): Americans are so sheltered, and close-minded...too scared to discover what else is out there, or too ignorant to appreciate it, or too unintelligent to understand the importance of culture especially so since America has been dubbed "the melting pot" of the world...and I'm not gonna lie, Saudis were not, and I repeat WERE NOT jumping for joy to see an American family come through the airport...can't say that i felt the love, ya know. So I kind of thought that it would be like here maybe, and maybe it is to some degree...and I know that Brasil and most of South America are pretty liberal, unlike Saudi Arabia. There is so much American culture here. It makes me proud. That's all I'm sayin. I told Brittany today that I just want to go back to the states for a couple of days, then come back. Just to recharge myself. To see if my "old" self is still there somewhere. I think it will be good feeling once we land back in our homeland. My mom would always tell me that she felt that way when she goes back to Korea. She loves America and is an American citizen, but to go back to where you were born and raised...well, in the midst of my americanism, I've always been iffy about the whole eating with a fork AND a knife AT ALL TIMES!!!!! It was just something that I refused to be a part of. I don't know why...until yesterday. I ran over to Mirantes (MY FAVORITE RESTURANT!!! OH GOD I LOVE THAT PLACE...i do go everyday :) and am very happy about it), made a total brasillian paleo plate and all of a sudden I looked at both of my hands...I dropped both fork and knife in either hand...immediately....

All in all....GREAT 4th OF JULY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Let me say why: (and I dont know why I always resort to doing a list format...I'm not that type of girl, ANYWAYS)

Friday: Thiago...thats all I'm allowed to say ;)...i can just tell you that it's a guys name, haha...ONLY because sketchball aka Diego...I'm always proving to myself that if you set your expectation really high all the time for everyone, you WILL be disappointed. I can't believe this happened....So Friday, July the 2nd, 2010...I was asked TWICE about a threesome and managed to have "the talk" with somebody....oh, yes...."the relationship talk". I had to tell him straight up. "Dude, I'm leaving in a month and I don't want to become a Brasillian citizen, so I don't need you or want you...but let me go ask Brittany how she feels about this, hang on, be right back"...except for IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN YOU CAN GET OVER YOURSELF!!!!! I had to tell Brittany that I didn't like her like that. Hope she's not mad at me.

Saturday: will be titled "The Adventures of Praia Galheta". These adventures consist of a beautiful day at the beach with Cris, my Brasiliian bff and her boyfriend Ernie, touching the frigid cold Atlantic Ocean water with my toes...checking out hot surfers, me Brittany and Cris running from a naked man, Cris showing us her beachside crib....yep.....good day....can I just say that running that trail was a killer leg workout!!!!!!!! So, this naked man I can talk about, haha...just kidding, or am I? No really....Praia Galheta is a clothing optional beach. cool. but the trail to get from Mole to Galheta is HELLA NARROW!!!!!! SO IF YOU ARE WALKING IT AND THERE IS A NAKED MAN, YOU EITHER RUN THE OTHER WAY OR GET REALLY CLOSE TO HIM!!!! Cris was PISSED!!!! It was sooo funny though. I was just going to walk past dude and just ignore him, obviously he wanted some sort of attention, good or bad, but Cris told us to make a dash for it!!! That's where the trail run comes in....apparently he was following us...I didn't notice, (oblivious American girl?....perhaps)...at one point we stopped....so he could walk past us, God, he was so close haha, and Cris was so pissed that she yells "Could you pleeeeeaaase just pass?!?"...In English, LMAO...this guy probably thought we like it or something...except for that Ernie came to our rescue...Cris felt bad...I thought it was great. That's the kind of stuff I want to blog about :) "The TRUE LIFE Adventures of Brasil 2010". Is it bad to say that I probably would have been a little disappointed if I didn't see anyone naked. I mean, it IS a clothing optional beach...didn't get pics though...damn...(sooooo kidding, it was replusive)

Sunday: Let me just start by saying, it was so random and so GREAT!!! All because of Padua and Jania...great mini-road trip to the south of the island where you could really see the heart of Brasillian culture!! Brittany took the greatest pictures!!! So impressed. We saw so much culture that day...it was one of those things that tourists would not know to do!!! Very local...Fresh oysters straight from the ocean...we ate them steamed...we ate them raw...drank some brasillian beer, listened to some American music as we sat out on the patio...watched Padua play "handy-man"...ate some shrimp pollenta....WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

That wasn't the end though...Brittany and I did 4th of July Part II...at the Blackswan where Americans got in free and got free food!!! I was hesitant to go there AGAIN, cause I didn't want to "run into anyone" if you know what I mean...and just as I was expressing those feelings to Brittany..."Oh. Oi Alessio, how are you. ha. ha." (then I ackwardly leaned in for the typical cheek kiss greeting and hit his face REALLY hard haha)...ummm....."ok. Tchau"....We ran into Vinni too, cute kid....I think the door guy charged me for my cover though, Oh well!!!! Greatest cheat day ever!!! American hot dogs and wings and shots and beer and annoying guys that no matter how times I told them I was American, asked if I was from Chile or Peru...idk...and cheese sticks with oregano, and stuffed jalapeno peppers...ahhhh.....wanna know how it ended?...at cafe cultura...with american apple pie WARM american apple pie, and classic chocolate cake with apricots :)

I'll end with...there's a strip of resturants right before you get to the heart of Lagoa that I need to hit up, one of which...Vodka From the Land of The Wolf...

...and I'm coming out of the closest...I'm a starer. I like to stare at people. Especially good lookin brasillian men...they do it too. I know that I'm offically "out" cause I was staring at someone the other day...(can I just take a moment to say that this man...was....GORGEOUS!!!!!!!! omg...I need to go back home)...and he caught me. See, usually I would just quickly look away, ashamed. Nope. I was like.."what? you're fine", in my head of coarse, although he probably wouldn't have understood me anyway. I made him blush, my work is done :)

GREATEST WEEKEND EVER.

Brasil vs. The Netherlands= End of my holidays at work:(

Friday: Brasil vs. The Netherlands

I was exhausted because of the long work week and was excited about the game!!! Padua and I went to a Sushi cafe, had some beers, which is great because he was scheduled to teach a class at 2pm and I had to run experiments afterwards, but Brasil was playing in the WORLD CUP!!!!! Didn't have as good a feelings going into this game...rightly so, cause we lost to Holland :( I thought it is was pretty cool that were playing The Netherlands cause Lan is there and I am here in Brasil!!!! NOBODY said a word about the game after the loss, haha. So funny. People were pretty pissed. I personally thought, and I'm no futebol expert, but I would have to say that a) my boy Kaka played like shit...I've heard he's "out of shape", which why would a coach pick an out of shape player to play in the WORLD CUP!?!?!?! Anyway...and b)Robinho was the only one out there playing. Needless to say, one person on a WHOLE TEAM of people couldn't win it all. Oh well, maybe in 2014 when it will actually be hosted IN BRASIL!!!!! I will make sure I come back for all that mess :)

Dreamers. Thinkers. Doers. I'm definately a DOER

Just while I'm currently thinking about it...I feel like the students here work alot harder than the student in the US. I don't know. I mean I think I definately work my ass off during the semester. It's so weird, cause like if I don't have any deadlines, or obligations, or responsibilities...I'm lazy, don't feel like working out, don't feel like doing ANYTHING, but when I'm in the middle of the semester, and exams are coming up, projects are due, and paper are due too...I feel on top on the world...I'll go to school, go to work, go to the gym, workout, eat clean, and I love and enjoy every minute of the chaos!! So maybe I'm an all or nothing type of girl?!?!?! I think also, when I get back to the states that I won't take naps during the middle of the day like I used to. If I had a couple hours between classes, I would run home, nap and then get up and run to class. Didn't really help, actually made me more tired at the end of the day. ANYWAY, I don't get to nap here, even though at times I REALY REALLY REALLY WANT TO!!!!!! GOD, I WANT TO SO BAD SOMETIMES, but then I don't and its fine...end of story.

Can I just say that I love life after that whole depression, adjustment period? I had to just really think about it like that and give myself a little bit of a break. So I told myself, "ok, Vanessa...even you've been out of the country before, you've never been by yourself. I know you can handle it, so it feels kinda shitty to be alive right now, but it won't be like that for too much longer...just truck through it (that's what Lan and I always say when we are in the middle of something ATROCIOUS, usually school related...I miss that girl, like crazy...I feel like I always took our living together for granted, like it was going to be that way forever or something :( she's definately one of the greatest people I know though), just truck through it and everything will be fine." And it was.

I ate some persimmons the other day, I call them gam...I've called them gam since I was little little, traditional after meal fruit in Korea. And it made me miss my mom. I'm studying memory association with two separate stimuli that once paired can be activated on its own without the other pair. Maybe I'm a complete dork for making this correlation but its true!!! And the feeling for wanting my mom was so strong. She's one amazing woman. She's so cute when she talks..she kinda just rambles...the last email I read from her hit me kind of weirdly...maybe cause I was high, considering you always think "more deeply and abstractly" when you are under the influence of THC...but this one email was just a perfect representation of my mom. The best emails I've gotten are from my dad telling me to not worry about stuff. That he's got everything taken care of. It's a good feeling. He asked me today if I had been keeping up with this mandatory journal...hope he doesn't think he's going to get to read it, haha.

Hajra's emails and convos are on a whole other level...thats all I can say about that. really. Now that i'm thinking...I know I said I was a doer, but I think alot too...but i wonder if I can just send a link to Dr. Fitz (my blog link) as is....or...........if I'll get "in trouble". I'm going to straight up ask her how much "raw" material she wants for my journal... that would suck if I had to go through and edit stuff. I mean, I understand that I'm here on a government grant, strickly to do research, but c'mon. I'm still a human being. And a fairly young and naive one at that!!

So Diego called me last night. Interesting conversation. Which I thought went ok. It's hard to talk on the phone though...at least in person you can use hand gestures etc etc to fill in what verbal conversation will not. It was fun. Just because I have a phone now, so I feel like I actually live here...and we were like texting back and forth. He wanted to call, but I told him I was at the gym and to call when I got done...stuff I'd say back home, haha. but instead I'm in Brasil talking to someone in english and portuguese!!!!! He wants to cook dinner for me friday night. So I think that would be ok, he lives in Lagoa, so worst case senerio I can walk home if the situation gets to the point of where I'm completely over it!!!! I offered to bring a bottle of wine...just thought that it say alot about my character (haha, am I analyzing this bottle of wine too much, maybe but just think about what you think about someone who brings natty lites or someone who brings a decent bottle of wine...exactly!! you think trashy and easy...and classy and not so easy)

Been having some pretty good talks with the people in my lab...specifically those who have some sort of interest in my particular research project. I want to go all out for it. Which is why I'm here in a lab, with rats, at 7pm...its cool though, I really like it!!! I could totally do this lifestyle. I don't want to give up medical school though, I've worked so hard to build my resume for that so I'm thinking MD/PhD...I know!!!!!!!!! Maybe I could get into UTHSC then do research abroad. Or go to St. George's Medical school, which would have me in the West Indies and Europe, and do research wherever?!?!? I definately want to experience more of other countries. I think studying abroad is GREAT!!!!! Speaking of...trying to do a semester abroad Spring 2011...shhhh....don't tell anyone just yet :)